Friday, April 09, 2010
Sometimes I always think that I have too much problems in life now. Maybe if I was just some goodie-two-shoes I won't have problems with my friends and pool. I can just go home, watch some tv, sleep early and spend time with my family. But I realise, all my family members are kinda selfish. Different environment caused me to be the "outstanding" one. Not pampered, hated, despise by relatives. Ya I'm useless but why? Why am I not used to doing housework? Why am I not used to staying at home? Ever asked yourselves why? No, but who gives a fuck? You're not me? I can't stop smoking cause it's my emotional stabilizer. Not because I want to! I know it's bad, who doesn't? But who is there when I needed help before? Not one of you all fucking bastards. So stop it, I'm not who you want me to be okay. I don't care if you guys are closer or what fuck, go ahead lah? Since when are you not? I grew up alone.
Even so, my friends are just the same. If everything was boyfriend, then you're dead in life. Cause I know, I gone through experience of how awkward it is to meet your friends once again once your boyfriend days over. If you wanna do it this way, then I;m sorry. You will just lose us as friends. Cause we're kinda sick and tired of the way you act. All those things that you said that you will change but you don't. You don't listen actually. You just think we don't understand but you don't make it a point to balance out the importance and I guess maybe it's too late? It's accumulating. Then again, I must blame myself. Blame myself for being too noisy over some matters. When I kinda lose a close friend beside me, I should had tried to change things. But I didn't, that's why probably it's karma. If not, I think it will still be like before.
And ya how about pool? Hmmm, not improving in fact I gone worse I felt. I keep trying to maintain my stroke but it doesn't work. And even so, going to training seeing those faces makes me feel so urghhh. What happened to those days man? When I always thought that there was no politics in RP? In the end, I just see that clan shit thingy. Also feel so sandwiched. Even there is no Adrian, makes life so hard so hard cause I only have him to complain too. And now I feel that I got nobody.
And ya, I'm a fucking cry baby. I need my boyfriend badly. I never meet someone like this, who will make me feel that better to have his a kin kinda thing. But I don't wanna be those typical girl complaining that I'm love sick but yes I am. Fucking hell to vent everything here.
God please stop, I know I have to be stronger but I can't. I'm damn tired of praying cause I know that I'm not holy and yeah it doesn't help but please at least lighten it for me? I haven't get used to G not being around when I'm in shit. So please be kind to me and to him too. Please, my life is miserable and I need some help.
ACCEPTANCE 2:44 AM
